humour « Brendan’s blog

Infamy! Infamy! Hobson and Holtz…

October 4, 2007 — Brendan

Check out the latest FIR podcast. Yup, that’s me at the end. Your very own FG with its very own music.

Many thanks to Neville and Shel for mentioning me in their podcast, and I’m glad Neville appreciated the email I sent him. Actually, I just realised, Neville didn’t read it out in full. The title of the email was “Hi guys – free beer! Not really - a song.”

So there you go. All you need to pitch Hobson and Holtz successfully is to offer them free beer and music. I must try it more often.

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I am Brendan Evans.

October 2, 2007 — Brendan

PR Disasters has taken a unique view of the recently-beknackered Ad Age Power150: applying its ranking to other league tables.

Apparently PR Disasters would be Falkirk or Fulham. This blog would be Sunderland.

Looking at this blog’s ranking – currently 278 (bizarrely, down since the publication of the social media resource when it got its highest hit count to date) – on the tennis ATP tour, it would be Brendan Evans of the USA. He’s a strapping 6′2″ right-hander from Pontiac, Michigan, only turned pro in 2001 so let’s hear it for Brendan! He’s the one on the left in the photograph. He’s part of the Italian Junior Doubles Champion pairing!

It would be nice to know which female player it would be but the ATP website doesn’t ‘do’ women?

PR Disasters would be Carlos Salamanca, at 295. Curiously the only data available for him is his birthdate. He recently hit 272 in the rankings so let’s hope he recovers from the complete lack of birthplace, residence, height and weight.

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An Englishman, Scotsman, Irishman and Welshman get into a French car…

September 30, 2007 — Brendan

… and a Peugeot advertising exec says: Bugger.

If the Rugby World Cup pans out according to form, none of those nations will progress to the semis. Perhaps Peugeot should have considered including a Kiwi or a Springbok in its advertising just to spread that bet:

Apologies to any readers who actually thought there was going to be a joke at the end of that title. I doubt anyone at Peugeot is laughing either.

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Posted in humour. Tags: advertising, Peugeot, Rugby. 2 Comments »

Can I stay – and die – in a house in Tuscany please?

August 24, 2007 — Brendan

Today I nearly threw my copy of the Guardian across the room. The offending article – quite literally – was Alexander Chancellor’s tome on the trying social life he leads among the glitterati in Tuscany.

It was of vague interest to me, if a little irritating, that he learned of Diana’s death in a house ‘in which he was staying’ in Tuscany. Now, I don’t actually know any people who ’stay’ in houses, let alone in Tuscany. Usually people go on holiday and stay in hotels, or B&Bs, or camp. And how do you actually get to ’stay’ in a house? If it’s not your own house – which it can’t be, because surely you ‘live’ in your own house and even if it’s a second house you’d say so – then it must be a friend’s house. And, if it’s in Tuscany, then your friend is probably either a rich Italian or a very rich non-Italian.

He continues: “Two days later, I went to Presaro on the Adriatic coast to conduct a prearranged interview with Luciano Pavarotti at his holiday villa.” There we go again – ‘holiday villa.’ Am I alone in thinking holiday villas are, well, posh? I know Brits are rapidly buying large amounts of coastal Spain but do they all have ‘holiday villas’? Then there’s a double-whammy: turns out Pavarotti was inconsolable over Diana’s death (it made him “cry all day”) then, by turn, that Chancellor is infatuated with Pavarotti. “He is” – apparently – “a very lovable man.”

What is going on here? Do I want to read this? Where does ‘Hello’ end and ‘The Guardian’ begin? Am I alone in finding the death of Diana, staying in houses in Tuscany, and opera, utterly inconsequential?

There’s more. “Three years ago we were here once again in August when a friend, Lady Victoria Waymouth, an interior designer, was rushed into hospital in the south of France. She died there a few days later… her elder sister was staying with us in Tuscany at the time.”

So, to recap: he still ’stays’ in a house in Tuscany; he’s friends with Lady Victoria Waymouth; she’s an interior designer; and her sister is also ’staying’ with them, in this house, in Tuscany. “Victoria’s GP” turned out to be a homeopathy quack, so she died. Sad, but again, why “Victoria’s GP”? I don’t call the nice person who sits behind a desk and gives me pills ’my doctor’. I don’t say to people “I’m going to see my doctor”. I’m going to the doctors. Or I’m going to see the doctor. Not “I’m going to see my doctor. In Tuscany. She’s a homeopath, you know.”

Now, obviously Lady Victoria Waymouth’s death is a personal tragedy, as was Diana’s, as will (presumably quite soon) Pavarotti’s. But why does Chancellor feel the need to base his various angst-ridden social calamities around Tuscany? Is he working on a book? He’s certainly not writing Guardian material, for everything he says in this article makes we want to, well, puke. To misquote Pulp, take your house in Tuscany and shove it right up your arse.

I sense tectonic plates shifting. Is it me? Or is it the Guardian? Or is society drifting away, presumably Tuscany-wards? Someone, or something, must be to blame. Or should I just sit on the fence, blame no one, and take up the Independent instead?

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Posted in humour, paper media. 2 Comments »

Have you ever done a Ratner?

August 11, 2007 — Brendan

I just posted about ghost-blogging and looked up Gerald Ratner as a warning for all those agencies considering giving their clients blogs. Ratner became infamous in the UK when he described his own company’s jewellery produce as ‘total crap’. The result: half a billion pounds wiped off the company valuation and he was kicked out 18 months later.

However, I found a better link: turns out, there’s an actual phrase, ‘Doing a Ratner’ and this page contains a superb list of other execs who have also ‘Done a Ratner’. You can nip across to Wikipedia and read it but the list’s so good I reproduce it here:

In July 2001, David Shepherd, then brand director of the clothing chain Topman said in a trade journal “Menswear”, that his customers were hooligans and “Very few of our customers have to wear suits to work. They’ll be for his first interview or first court case.”
In March 2002, Woolworths’ Gerald Corbett said, regarding Woolworths’ progress at his stores, that “Some city centre stores are vast open deserts with nobody there.”
In March 2003, EMI’s chief executive, Alain Levy said the company had cut the artist roster in Finland from 49 artists, as he did not think there were that many people in the country “who could sing”. The joke went down like a lead balloon over in Helsinki, with the managing director of EMI’s local subsidiary pointing out that the Finnish firm commanded a 20% share of the local market thanks to Finns who can sing
In October 2003, Matt Barrett, the chief executive of Barclays (owner of Barclaycard, one of Britain’s most popular credit cards) said on a parliamentary Treasury committee on credit cards, “I do not borrow on credit cards. I have four young children. I give them advice not to pile up debts on their credit cards.”
Anders Dahlvig, the chief executive of furniture store IKEA, said his stores were “appalling” on weekends.
Freddy Shepherd and Douglas Hall, bosses of football club Newcastle United, said Geordie women were “dogs” and mocked fans for purchasing £50 replica football shirts that cost the club £5.
In the United States, a Forest City Enterprises executive, developer Bruce Ratner, characterised his own Atlantic Center mall as “not something that we’re terribly proud of”. Additionally, in May, 2004, he memorably insulted customers who live near the same mall to a NY Times reporter: “here you’re in an urban area, you’re next to projects, you’ve got tough kids.”
On 3 June 2007 in an interview in the Financial Times, Nicholas Ferguson, chairman of private equity firm SVG Capital, said that capital gains tax rules mean that many private equity executives “pay less tax than a cleaning lady”. Media and political uproar ensued, and the asset class is now the subject of an ongoing investigation by a Treasury Select Committee into tax rules that see wealthy private equity executives pay 10% tax on carried interest, as opposed to the 40% income tax rate.

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What is life really like in PR?

August 7, 2007 — Brendan

Well, the Edelman corporate video makes it look terribly exciting:

And itpr (note: all in lower case) also makes a convincing case:

7.30am

Diving into the pool at 7.30am on a Monday morning clears my head after a heavy weekend. I was up at 6.30 as I commute out of central London, traveling against the rush.

Stroll over to the office for 8am clutching my breakfast and a free mochachino from the Italian place around the corner (a really nice ‘early bird’ bonus from the boss and amazingly effective at getting me in before time!). Then the itpr working week kicks-off with a company meeting at 8.30 where our teams share news and campaign ideas for the week ahead. It’s a great time to pool everyone’s knowledge, talk about potential leads and discuss new press angles.

But, as befits the transparency and honesty inherent in blog posting, perhaps our own beloved TWL is more convincing:

You suggest an analyst might help fill the day. You’re hailed a genius. You bite your lip, knowing that’s even less likely than getting a journo. Right, who owes you a favour? Who likes lunch? Who did you give that media training job to eight months ago? Maybe there’s a blogger you could call.

Any takers?

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PR heaven and hell

August 7, 2007 — Brendan

This is probably a bit naughty and you may have heard it already but what the heck, it came through to me today and made me laugh…

A PR Manager was knocked down, tragically, by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter welcomed her.

“Before you get settled in,” he said, “We have a little problem. You see, we’ve never had a PR Manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“Oh, I see,” said the woman. “Can’t you just let me in?”

“Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher orders. We’re instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you’d like to go for all eternity.”

“Actually, I think I’d prefer heaven,” said the woman.

“Sorry, we have rules,” he replied, at which St. Peter put the PR Manager into the downward bound elevator.

As the doors opened in hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club. Around her were many friends, past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks, and they talked about old times. They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil (who was actually rather nice) and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing.

Before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her.

“Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing the harp and singing, which was almost as enjoyable as her day in hell.

At the day’s end St. Peter returned.

“So,” he said, “You’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven. You must choose between the two.”

The woman thought for a second and replied: “Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose hell.”

Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks.

The devil approached and put his arm around her.

“I don’t understand,” stuttered the PR Manager. “The other day I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club. We ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there is, is just a dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”

The Devil simply looked at her and smiled.

“Yesterday you were new business. Today you’re a client.”

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PR heaven and hell

August 7, 2007 — Brendan

This is probably a bit naughty and you may have heard it already but what the heck, it came through to me today and made me laugh…

A PR Manager was knocked down, tragically, by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter welcomed her.

“Before you get settled in,” he said, “We have a little problem. You see, we’ve never had a PR Manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“Oh, I see,” said the woman. “Can’t you just let me in?”

“Actually, I think I’d prefer heaven,” said the woman.

“Sorry, we have rules,” he replied, at which St. Peter put the PR Manager into the downward bound elevator.

Before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her.

“Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing the harp and singing, which was almost as enjoyable as her day in hell.

At the day’s end St. Peter returned.

“So,” he said, “You’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven. You must choose between the two.”

The woman thought for a second and replied: “Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose hell.”

Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell.

The devil approached and put his arm around her.

The Devil simply looked at her and smiled.

“Yesterday you were new business. Today you’re a client.”

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It’s not tech, and it’s not magic, it’s your job.

August 6, 2007 — Brendan

Why is it that people stubbornly refuse to adopt new technologies even when they’re tailor-made for the work they do? I’m talking RSS and Google Reader here.

I have, in my mind’s eye, a sketch, and it goes a bit like this:

PR: “Hi.”
Tech: “Hi.”
PR: “I’d like you to develop some software for me please.”
Tech: “Sure, what do you want it to do?”
PR: “I want it to tell me when there’s news for a specific topic.”
Tech: “OK. Anything else?”
PR: “I want it not only to look at news, but blogs. There’s a lot of blogs out there and I want it to cover them.”
Tech (scratches chin): “OK. Anything else?”
PR: “I want it to be accessible from anywhere in the world.”
[pause]
“And I want it to be free.”
Tech: “Free?”
PR: “Yes, please. Free. I don’t want to pay for it.”
Tech: “I take it you want it to be easy to use as well.”
PR: “Naturally. I work in PR.”
Tech: “I see your point. So, to recap, you want something that grabs news for you, including blog conversations, that is freely accessible, and easy to use. Have you ever considered Google Reader?”

And so the conversation goes. This is fine in theory but the end of the sketch would be something like:

[several days later]
Tech: “Hi.”
PR: “Hi.”
Tech: “So, how are you getting along with that software that is tailor-made for your requirements, is free, and is easy to use?”
PR: “I don’t use it.”

This is something I go through often. Around Christmas time last year I made a list of things to find out about, and Google Reader and RSS was one of them. Within minutes I was up and running and within an hour it had transformed a large part of what I do at work and at home. To me, it seemed very easy and intuitive and obviously useful.

But the people I work with just don’t get it. Despite blogging specifically and social media generally being one of the most important developments in PR in recent years, I still have directors who say “Oh, I don’t read blogs” or “What’s Google Reader?” So I explain to the first that of course you don’t read blogs by visiting them every day, you use RSS and a reader (for ‘reader’ I may interchange Google Reader simply because that’s the one I use); and to the second, I explain how to set it up and what RSS is all about. On the outside I’m very helpful and approachable, but on the inside I’m usually pretty angry that I have to be telling people this stuff.

It’s the same with clients. I’ve been to clients to present this to them, and I use Google Reader to provide them with a page of the very latest online news for them to use. But they don’t.

I’ve even taken groups of people through it. I actually show them how to access the reader, how to subscribe, how to use nifty techniques such as subscribing to Google News and Yahoo News, or using Google Blog Search, or WordPress tag searches. I explain how tags work and how you can have feeds from them so you can set up a complete news syndication network delivering news direct to clients. But a week or so later, they’ve all stopped using it.

Other people look mystified. They ask how I know this stuff. I just tell them I spent an hour learning about it. And when I had learned about it, despite having only worked in PR for a very short time, I could see straight away how important it was for PR. Not because it’s tech, but because it’s PR.

I’d be interested to know if other people have the same issues. I don’t class myself as particularly forward-looking or visionary, but by the same token I hate having to class a large proportion of my contemporaries as blinkered.

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Posted in Google Reader, PR, RSS, blogging, humour, social media, technology, web 2.0. 8 Comments »

Automated reports, a table, and a giggle.

August 2, 2007 — Brendan

It’s probably not a good idea to lump three topics into one post but it makes for an interesting title.

Firstly, I’ve come across a superb little resource called the Google Report [EDIT – it has since changed its name to Online Report Creator Tool – not sure why they need to call it ‘Creator Tool’ – and its URL to http://www.makemyreport.com/, presumably under pressure from Google). It’s not affiliated to Google but it’s such a cracking idea that it should be. It seems basically to take the Google results from a search query then marry them to entries on Wikipedia. So, instead of having to research further on a load of Google results the whole thing is done for you. This could be a great resource for a very first quick ‘toe in the water’ piece of research and it even lists a load of keywords at the end for you. Nice.

Next up, a conference - or, more precisely ‘a seat at the table.’ This may sound grand, and in fact it is grand because it’s all paid for. Edelman are asking people to apply for places at an event where, it says here, you can “discuss the latest developments and what we can expect in the future.” It also says they are “looking for the best and the brightest”, and, being a liminal phantasm of gas I doubt I shine that brightly. But if you do, and you’re up for it, you could do worse. As I said, it’s free and you can’t argue with that, as they say in PR.

Finally, a bit of a giggle. Strumpette always has a nice curve to things and I particularly like this reference:

Seeking to consolidate his kingdom after defeating Harold, king of England, the Bastard issued an edict that is widely considered to be the first press release. In it he offered free pudding to the poor, who dutifully gathered in the town square and were summarily slaughtered. The edict had been reprinted by calligraphers throughout the land. This is what we know today as media relations.

No problems in measuring that response and it was probably quite influential too.

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Infamy! Infamy! Hobson and Holtz…

I am Brendan Evans.

An Englishman, Scotsman, Irishman and Welshman get into a French car…

Can I stay – and die – in a house in Tuscany please?

Have you ever done a Ratner?

What is life really like in PR?

PR heaven and hell

PR heaven and hell

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